Musings on Love

"Miss, how old were you when you first fell in love?" a fifth grade boy asks me at lunch today, because of course, he is in love with a girl. In fifth grade. I answered him honestly and said, "I was 22 years old when I first fell in love."

"Are you still together?" he asks.

"No, he's married," I reply.

"Oh, that's not fair for you."

Oh, children! Their brutal honesty catches me off guard, and makes me laugh nearly every time. Love is so simple for them, but yet so complicated. So and so likes her, but she likes so and so, he said she said, blah blah blah. Little do they know that it gets more complicated as they get older. You can be head over heels in love, ready to take that walk down the aisle to your future, and the next day it's completely gone and everything you thought you knew is wrong. There are things in my past that I still don't understand, and I'm really not sure I will, and I've learned to live with that and move on. Love is such a tricky thing, though, when all I can think about is my career. I can see my window of opportunity shutting right in front of me for the third year in a row. I really don't have time or energy to be chasing down love.

I think being alone is not an issue for me. I've been alone, in a relationship sense, nearly all of my life. I actually think that's what killed my one and only relationship. I'm so content and used to being with myself that I have no idea how to let someone else in. I could go see a shrink about this, but I figure that once I get my career situated, these things will just iron themselves out when I meet the right man. All of the little things will just disappear, and then I'll know he's the one.

At least that's what I thought last time.